Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
