Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
