Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
