ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
