Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
