my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
