My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
