So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
