She just used a chaser for red wine.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
