She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
