I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
