Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
