tell your sister to shave her snatch
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
