I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
