Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
