As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
