Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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