i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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