What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
