Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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