Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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