there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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