My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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