By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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