If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
