Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
