my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
BRING THE BAGELS
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
