My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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