ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
