My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
