This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
