he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
