she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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