so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
