Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
