I think I am morally bankrupt
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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