Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
