I'm lost and stupid without you.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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