True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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