You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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