i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
