She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
As shirtless as possible
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
