Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
