So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
