We're like a lot better than the average bears
I think I won the penis lottery.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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