i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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