Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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