I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
