Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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