Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
