YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
